For too long the media has been focusing on the so called evils of size zero models, stating that they impact negatively on the health of our impressionable young (and indeed old) girls. Sure we have all read or heard about the negative health impacts it has on the young girls of our society – hormonal imbalance leading to irregular periods and infertility, abnormal thinning of bones leading to osteoporosis in later life and psychological eating disorders. Most abhorrent perhaps is the inspiration of the pop song “Big Girls You Are Beautiful” by Mika (God I HATE that song). Sure those are all pretty bad I guess. After reading them I feel a little bit disgusted with size zero models too, who would not? However that is only one side of the story – making a judgment after only hearing one side of the story is not something I take kindly to! In order to redress the balance I believe it is time that someone speaks the truth and reveal the hidden benefit that adopting a size zero lifestyle can bring to humanity.
The population of the earth will balloon to 7 billion by the end of 2011. I do not know what you think but my view is that the number is too high. If you think we are having problems supporting the current population of humans, the problems are just going to keep getting worse. Our limited resources are being severely stretched (and poorly distributed). The price of food is rising at a rapid rate. In fact things have become so bad (in truth things have always been bad, what I meant was worse) that a considerable amount of people are being pushed into poverty. What should be done about this? Should we stop speculators from toying so fecklessly with food prices? Should we prevent massive corporations from hogging and buying vast plots of arable land? No, because in free capital markets, capital should be allowed to flow to areas which the markets deem to be most profitable. What we do need is more size zero women. In order to achieve their dangerously low body weights, these women have to eat less food. Hopefully the lower demand in food would cause the price of food to fall to such a level as to allow starving families to purchase modest amounts of grain to fill their bloated stomachs (paradoxically caused by extreme starvation).
Solving world hunger merely relieves the symptom. The disease is overpopulation. How do we cure that? Should we decimate our population by randomly killing one out of every ten person? Though this solution is fair, it offends our accepted standards of morality. Should we plan meticulously and devise a solution to overpopulation through better use and allocation of our resources? No, because that is just too damned hard. Here, again size zero lifestyle brings hidden benefits as it seriously fucks up the practitioner’s anatomy. Women need a critical amount of body fat to store oestrogen and other hormones. Without these essential elements women stop ovulating, how boss is that? Not only would eating little next to no food solve a world problem, you can also save on contraceptives. For these size zero women there will be no pregnancies, EVER, to ruin your svelte, bony body shapes. Talk about win-win-win!
Now before you accuse me of being a woman hating woman hater, may I just say that I am not arguing for size zero lifestyles for my own benefit. I am just playing devil’s advocate; skinny women are my LEAST favourite thing in the world. Because…
I am not a very smart person. There are many things that I do not understand; I do not understand quantum physics, the human brain or beauty pageants. I find the last item to be the most troubling of all because I know that the other two do serve a purpose. Quantum physics is like being everywhere and nowhere at the same time with Schrodinger’s cat. The human brain does all sort of crazy stuff – like make us go crazy. But what is the point of beauty pageants? All they seem to promote is the judging of people on how nice they look in a bikini or as I like to call it retardation of human progress.
I really just don't get it. What is the point?
As a normal red-blooded male, I find it very nice to gawk at the often scantly clad girls that are parading their fulsome pairs of fun-bags for the public to see. On that level, I guess beauty pageants are devilishly titillating. Intellectually speaking though, I find beauty pageants to be rather more vapid. Why do attractive people willingly choose to participate in pageants? Do pretty people really think – Hey world, you know what? I look great and you all should pretty much acknowledge it. As a ghastly looking young man I don’t understand the logic behind this train of thought. Maybe they are simply displaying a talent that they are proud of, which is not reprehensible at all. I mean people often go on to quiz shows to showcase their wits and win money and no one bats an eyelid. Are beauty pageants any different? Well yes because, you have to work for knowledge – with beauty you are just born with it.
The idea of a beauty pageant just seems very ridiculous to me. You have the participants strut around in swimwear and then you ask them some questions as if to show the world that the beauty pageant does have some sort of intellectual substance behind it. If you really want to find a combination of beauty and brains why not give them difficult math tests or intricate word problems? What they have now just flimsily disguises what beauty pageants are about – the objectification of its participants. It feels like they are trying to desperately say that these objects are not just nice to look at but they are also very smart with opinions on world peace which are worthy of an audience. It is like when you are dating this fine, gorgeous creature who is dumb as pig shit but you try desperately to tell your friends that when you guys are alone he/she says profound things like – where are my keys. At least with the animal shows, they are not lying to themselves – the animals are judged on their looks and not on their political views.
Or am I sullying what is in actuality a very noble event? Maybe there is a deep and profound reason behind beauty pageants. Maybe it is the celebration of the female form or it is a celebration of the confidence and will power of the participants. After all the Miss World competitions attracts competitors from all over the world, perhaps the point behind them is to bring people from different cultures together, to promote unity – in our objectification of women.
Gonorrhea of the nut world
Are you allergic to delicious Brazil Nuts? Are you a woman lady thing? If you answered yes to both of the questions then I have some very important health advice for you. The brazil nut allergen is the only one on record which can be transferred to another person via seminal fluid. What this means is if a man eats one and then proceeds to…uh…how to put this in a delicate and inoffensive manner…FUCK
…you without wearing a prophylactic then the allergen could enter your system via the seminal fluid and cause you to have an allergic reaction. How crazy is that?
Sources: QI (a highly watchable British comedy tv panel show) and JIACI (The Journal of Investigational Allergology and Clinical Immunology)