No FAT chicks please!

For too long the media has been focusing on the so called evils of size zero models, stating that they impact negatively on the health of our impressionable young (and indeed old) girls. Sure we have all read or heard about the negative health impacts it has on the young girls of our society – hormonal imbalance leading to irregular periods and infertility, abnormal thinning of bones leading to osteoporosis in later life and psychological eating disorders. Most abhorrent perhaps is the inspiration of the pop song “Big Girls You Are Beautiful” by Mika (God I HATE that song). Sure those are all pretty bad I guess. After reading them I feel a little bit disgusted with size zero models too, who would not? However that is only one side of the story – making a judgment after only hearing one side of the story is not something I take kindly to! In order to redress the balance I believe it is time that someone speaks the truth and reveal the hidden benefit that adopting a size zero lifestyle can bring to humanity.

The population of the earth will balloon to 7 billion by the end of 2011. I do not know what you think but my view is that the number is too high. If you think we are having problems supporting the current population of humans, the problems are just going to keep getting worse. Our limited resources are being severely stretched (and poorly distributed). The price of food is rising at a rapid rate. In fact things have become so bad (in truth things have always been bad, what I meant was worse) that a considerable amount of people are being pushed into poverty. What should be done about this? Should we stop speculators from toying so fecklessly with food prices? Should we prevent massive corporations from hogging and buying vast plots of arable land? No, because in free capital markets, capital should be allowed to flow to areas which the markets deem to be most profitable. What we do need is more size zero women. In order to achieve their dangerously low body weights, these women have to eat less food. Hopefully the lower demand in food would cause the price of food to fall to such a level as to allow starving families to purchase modest amounts of grain to fill their bloated stomachs (paradoxically caused by extreme starvation).

Solving world hunger merely relieves the symptom. The disease is overpopulation. How do we cure that? Should we decimate our population by randomly killing one out of every ten person? Though this solution is fair, it offends our accepted standards of morality. Should we plan meticulously and devise a solution to overpopulation through better use and allocation of our resources? No, because that is just too damned hard. Here, again size zero lifestyle brings hidden benefits as it seriously fucks up the practitioner’s anatomy. Women need a critical amount of body fat to store oestrogen and other hormones. Without these essential elements women stop ovulating, how boss is that? Not only would eating little next to no food solve a world problem, you can also save on contraceptives. For these size zero women there will be no pregnancies, EVER, to ruin your svelte, bony body shapes. Talk about win-win-win!

Now before you accuse me of being a woman hating woman hater, may I just say that I am not arguing for size zero lifestyles for my own benefit. I am just playing devil’s advocate; skinny women are my LEAST favourite thing in the world. Because…

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I <3 Beauty Pageants~

I am not a very smart person. There are many things that I do not understand; I do not understand quantum physics, the human brain or beauty pageants. I find the last item to be the most troubling of all because I know that the other two do serve a purpose. Quantum physics is like being everywhere and nowhere at the same time with Schrodinger’s cat. The human brain does all sort of crazy stuff – like make us go crazy. But what is the point of beauty pageants? All they seem to promote is the judging of people on how nice they look in a bikini or as I like to call it retardation of human progress.

I really just don't get it. What is the point?

As a normal red-blooded male, I find it very nice to gawk at the often scantly clad girls that are parading their fulsome pairs of fun-bags for the public to see. On that level, I guess beauty pageants are devilishly titillating. Intellectually speaking though, I find beauty pageants to be rather more vapid. Why do attractive people willingly choose to participate in pageants? Do pretty people really think – Hey world, you know what? I look great and you all should pretty much acknowledge it. As a ghastly looking young man I don’t understand the logic behind this train of thought. Maybe they are simply displaying a talent that they are proud of, which is not reprehensible at all. I mean people often go on to quiz shows to showcase their wits and win money and no one bats an eyelid. Are beauty pageants any different? Well yes because, you have to work for knowledge – with beauty you are just born with it.

The idea of a beauty pageant just seems very ridiculous to me. You have the participants strut around in swimwear and then you ask them some questions as if to show the world that the beauty pageant does have some sort of intellectual substance behind it. If you really want to find a combination of beauty and brains why not give them difficult math tests or intricate word problems? What they have now just flimsily disguises what beauty pageants are about – the objectification of its participants. It feels like they are trying to desperately say that these objects are not just nice to look at but they are also very smart with opinions on world peace which are worthy of an audience. It is like when you are dating this fine, gorgeous creature who is dumb as pig shit but you try desperately to tell your friends that when you guys are alone he/she says profound things like – where are my keys. At least with the animal shows, they are not lying to themselves – the animals are judged on their looks and not on their political views.

Or am I sullying what is in actuality a very noble event? Maybe there is a deep and profound reason behind beauty pageants. Maybe it is the celebration of the female form or it is a celebration of the confidence and will power of the participants. After all the Miss World competitions attracts competitors from all over the world, perhaps the point behind them is to bring people from different cultures together, to promote unity – in our objectification of women.

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Warning: May contain nuts

Gonorrhea of the nut world

Are you allergic to delicious Brazil Nuts? Are you a woman lady thing? If you answered yes to both of the questions then I have some very important health advice for you. The brazil nut allergen is the only one on record which can be transferred to another person via seminal fluid. What this means is if a man eats one and then proceeds to…uh…how to put this in a delicate and inoffensive manner…FUCK…you without wearing a prophylactic then the allergen could enter your system via the seminal fluid and cause you to have an allergic reaction. How crazy is that?

Sources: QI (a highly watchable British comedy tv panel show) and JIACI (The Journal of Investigational Allergology and Clinical Immunology)

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Stalkers are nice people really…

I do not think I have ever been stalked, but if I have, may I be the first to congratulate my stalker on doing such a wonderful job? My understanding is that stalkers do not want to be found out that they are stalking by the object of their stalk. I think that is how it works, I am not sure. So if you are out there Mr/Miss Stalker: well done.

Yes, never been stalked but I imagine I would quite enjoy being stalked because, come on, I am the type of person who maintains a blog (ish) about myself; it is not beyond the realms of imagination to perhaps suggest that I enjoy the attention of my fellow human brethren – that is demonstrably not farfetched. I have heard people complain about their stalkers, they think it is creepy, they find it weird and they view stalkers as an invasion on their private lives. And that is fine; there is merit behind those arguments, but what about the nice things that having a stalker advertises? Do stalkees ever stop to consider them before they apply for a restraining order?

To be honest I quite enjoy the idea of being utterly worshipped by someone who is slightly insane. I would derive a not inconsiderable amount of Machiavellian pleasure from exploiting this poor person’s hopeless devotion towards me. I would happily invite these people into my life and have them wash my cups; I have a lot of dirty, filthy cups (metaphor alert: cups = fetishes, wash = indulge). I have never stalked either but I imagine one must really be enamoured and stricken to go as far as to stalk someone. When you think about it, being stalked is the ultimate compliment – to be stalked the person must see in you some sort of otherworldly beauty, charm or presence. Can you think of a better way to express these compliments other than stalking? A card really does not have quite the same impact as a proper stalk which requires time, dedication and perseverance.

Now that I am thinking about it, please stalk me. Someone, anyone! But not the type of stalker that stalk because they want to kill the object of their stalk. That type of stalker I do not want. Dying is my least favourite thing to do (but is dying not another word for living, semantics really). Stalking in itself is not the problem; the problem is the stalkee does not want the attention of the stalker because they usually view the stalker in an unfavourable light. And that truly is tragic, the absolute disgust that people have when someone they dislike expresses love or desire for them (something that I have felt and in retrospect feel guilty about). The idea of thinking that someone so beneath me can dare to love me – what an inconsiderate prick I was. A stalker is not a repugnant, horrible excuse of a human being; they are just misguided creatures who have been spurned by the object of their desire. Is that really a crime? If the stalker succeeds in capturing the heart of their stalk, then the process would have been called courtship. Semantics.

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Super Special Awesome Update

Hey! Check it out! I am totally updating my blog. Look at me updating my blog like a proper blogger person. Isn’t it impressive? My updating of this blog with fresh and current news. Did you even see what I did there? Here, I’ll do it again. I am U-P-D-A-T-I-N-G my blog. New content! How exciting. I am just so excited about this update.

By the way, just in case you did not catch it. This is an update. And I am doing it. The updating of this blog that is. Check out that new song on the side, it is good. Almost as good as this update.

But anyway, how are you? Good I hope. I am well. I have been away from my blogging duties for quite some time. The reason is because I am busy in “real life”. I have some big news. I am going to be a father.

Say WUTTTTTT?!

I know, I know. Unlikely right? Not immediately though, like today or tomorrow. I meant like in the future, 10 years from now or something. But you know it is best to be prepared. I was never in the boy scouts (I have always wanted to though) but even I know being prepared is very important. It is very important in both war and fatherhood. So I decided to spend some of my time thinking about being a father. Here are some conclusions I reached.

1. Don’t name your son or daughter Luke. I am very immature. I will spend all day and everyday re-enacting that Star Wars scene if I did. You know, the one where Jar Jar Binks goes “Oh look at me! I am a colossal dick.” That would get old quite fast, so I definitely won’t being doing that.

2. Obviously I do not want my child to grow up to be a promiscuous slut, man or otherwise. So during his or her teen years, I am going to embarrass them relentlessly whenever their peers are around. Talking about the wart om their bits and how they have a weird toe or the time they slipped on their own pee when potty training and fell head first into the leg of the dinner table; so as to ensure that no-one would want to be their friend and or fuck them. Because I care for them.

3. And most importantly I think I should definitely live vicariously through them and have them live out the dreams that I could not fulfil. What dreams you may ask. Let me tell you. It was a dark time, the 19th century, for we did not have electric lights. As a young boy I dreamt of the stage. I had hoped that I can be a virile, passionate and above all elegant male ballet danseur. But the bourgeoisie, they looked down on us, they spat on us and they mocked the art that we created. For those wig wearing, servant shagging pissheads male danseurs represented the crude, unrefined and gormless working class. For them ballet was a fluid and graceful endeavour which can only be captured by petite and lithe ballerinas. But I am also a beautiful SWAN. Damn it! My child would be the best damned ballet dancer the world has ever seen!

You know what? I think I am going to be a great father. And blogger. Because my updates. They are good.

Oh yeah I have a job now – so very little time for blogging. Sucks.

Posted in Gender Equality, Homophobia, Random, Tongue-in-cheek | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pandas are jerks

I am jealous of pandas and I hate them a lot.

Everyone loves pandas, but why do we love them so much? The reason is because they are nearly extinct. Why are they nearly extinct? It is because they are very picky eaters and very bad at sex. Now maybe I am just being a little judgemental here, but these are not qualities that we like in fellow human beings. Do we like vegetarians? No. As for the bad at sex, okay I guess it is a weak argument. It is only an issue if we were having sex with pandas and I don’t think we are. But their refusal to get it on is a major contributing factor to their perceived diminishing numbers. Oh wait what was that? Their numbers are actually going up? Yeah but you won’t hear pandas telling us about it! Why not? Because they LOVE being extinct! How else can they manipulate us into taking extensive care of them and tending to their mostly bamboo-based needs? By pretending that their numbers are dwindling, that is how, the dicks!

No sex for me thank you very much!

Now, I love Jamie Oliver, no homo. He is advocating a very important message of eating a balanced, healthy and varied diet. Pandas hate Jamie Oliver. Their eating habits are the complete opposite of a balanced, healthy and varied diet. It is almost common knowledge these days that in order to not die of scurvy, one must eat a large variety of foods. Do pandas do that? No! They only eat bamboo even though they have the tools to be carnivorous. I guess it would not be much of a problem if bamboo was nutritious. Oh wait what was that? Bamboo is not completely nutritious and provides very little energy and little protein to pandas because they can not properly digest it? Yeah, pandas can’t even digest the damned plants properly and yet they still choose it as the thing to eat. That would be like me choosing to eat uranium exclusively even though it is not healthy and difficult to digest (I don’t because I am not stupid). They love bamboo so much that they eat it almost exclusively and mould their life around it by limiting their activities to sitting around and eating bamboo, leaving no time for recreating. Coincidence? I think not, the sly bastards.

Pictured Above: Panda Crack

Picking to rely exclusively on one source of food for sustenance is a very poor survival strategy just ask any Irish person from the early 14th century (the Great Famine). Picking a plant which goes through a process of mass flowering is just borderline retarded. What harm can mass flowering do, it sounds absolutely delightingful. Imagine dancing through a bed of poppcocks, nothing can be nicer. Oh wait what was that? Mass flowering is a process that some plants such as bamboo go through which involves synchronous flowering, death, and regeneration of all plants within a species life cycle mechanism. So imagine being a panda, just sitting around, not having sex, looking for bamboo to eat only to realise that they have all started flowering and withering at the same time. There might be a nice juicy pineapple hanging around but you are not going to eat it because it is not bamboo. So what do you do? You starve to death even though you were surrounded by juicy and sweet pineapples. Disgusting!

Also pandas are shit parents. Like god awful. All the dads just fuck off after knocking mom up, but that is pretty standard in the animal kingdom, so we will cut them a bit of slack. Afterall single mothers can raise kids just as good if not better! Oh wait what was that? Pandas usually give birth to twins but the mother completely neglects one of them because it can only take care of one at a time because of their exetreme incompetence? Not only that but they frequently crush their cubs by falling asleep whilst nursing the cubs or rolling over cubs when they are asleep? Still think pandas are cute? Or maybe more reasonably do you now think they are complete idiots?

I would not be surprised if this panda was lying on a bed of dead baby pandas

Finally and sinisterly, pandas allow themselves to be politcally exploited by a Communist government as a propoganda tool! Does that just not enrage you? Well not me, I do not care about politics, but to the more politically attuned readers this should make you really really angry. No other animal finds itself embroiled in political scandals. I don’t know what your stance is on Taiwan but a pair of pandas named Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan were sent to Taiwan. What cute gobbledegooky Chinese names! Oh wait what was that? Their names mean unification when put together? What a coincidence! Can China’s nefarious and evil intentions not be any more clear? The pandas just play along with this propoganda without any resistance so long as they get their sweet sweet bamboo fix. Anyone who has an interest in subduing China’s military threat (which is everyone) should hate pandas because they are essentially a military threat and a threat to the established world order.

Pandas are jerks. Don’t love them. Love me.

Posted in Conservation, Musing, Nature, Random, Rant, Tongue-in-cheek | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Never forget, we are all the same

Have you ever noticed that when a group of people meet for the very first time, everyone tries their hardest to fit in? I love it when that happens, the short moment when everyone is excited about meeting new people with whom they could form long lasting relationships. Then a couple of days laters we split up into several different groups along with a few cast aways who have failed to forge any bonds (*sniff*). I have always wondered why we can’t always stay at the wonderful stage where we continually try to seek similarities with one another. Instead we end up looking for differences and branch off.

You like knitting woollen breasts? Me too! I have a feeling we will become fast friends!

Unlike a lot of people I was displeased with the formation of The Republic of South Sudan. I am not pleased because the world does not need another Third World World country (or undeveloped country, whatever the PC term is these days). By creating a new (tentative) border we are frustrating any humanitarian aid with increased bureacracy. I also firmly believe that the creation of a new country can only bring about new conflicts. It just creates more opportunity for war. It is strange really, we as humans seek companionship with one another. We form social groups, families and tribes only to ultimately distinguish ourselves from one another as nations.

I hate this country!

We see it all the time. We band together only to split up, for me it feels counter-intuitive. It is always us and them. What we need is unity. We need to remember that behind all the differences – religion, sexual orientation, nationality, gender – we are all the same on the inside – filled with organs.

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