A friend of mine recently purchased five Muji notebooks. She was pretty annoyed that they were sold in bundles of five. She was desperate to get rid of two of them. So I jokingly suggested that I relieve her of one by writing a story in said notebook and then return it to her once it is completed. She said yes and I said bollocks. So here is the story, or at the very least the start of it…
This is not a normal love story, in fact it may very well turn out to not be a love story at all (this will depend largely on the unpredictable whims of the author). Whilst we can not say with any amount of certainty as to what type of story we will end up with, we do know (or at the very least the author does) that this story will be strange. So strange in fact that you may think that the author who conjured it up is – bonkers, bananas or barmy (one suspects that the only impression we will form of said author after reading his story is that perhaps he tries too hard). But enough of this stuffy, stiff and stoic introduction, a story!
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Many tales love to start at the beginning, which is for intents and purposes: pleasant. Others like to begin at the end, working their way backwards, explaining to the audience how it arrived at the end. And then there are those that start in the middle, but then skip back to the start recounting events leading up to the middle and then finally hurtling towards the end. I will not be doing that, it is pointlessly convoluted. I shall begin at the very beginning with a bang (alas, convention is useful for something)! A large bang, dinosaurs, monkeys and modern man. And suddenly a pleasant afternoon in July. Jimmy, our rambunctious, raucous and even unruly protagonist is a boy, a human child. Like all boys of his age he had a soft spot for ice-cream. If you were to ask Jimmy what he liked the most, he most definitely would have replied: “Sperm whales1, because they are the largest living toothed animals.” But that would be a lie, a fib, a dirty untruth; for the answer should in actuality be – “Super sexy ice cream”. However, Jimmy’s favourite ice cream flavour was not crazy at all. He does not like the crab flavoured ice creams or the charcoal flavoured ice creams that some people seem to delight themselves in. The reason for this was because Jimmy had perfectly normal and functioning olfactory senses (unlike all the peculiar peoples who do enjoy said ungodly flavours). No, in many ways out Jimmy was a boy with simple down to earth tastes.
Jimmy lives on his own in a room with an oval window. Up until very recently his purpose in life was to fill this room of his with chattels that he likes. What does he currently have in this windowed room of his one might ask. Fortunately for all our readers I know and I shall reveal to you what these items are. Firstly he has in his possession a glass statue of a horned horse which weighs up to 10 kilogrammes. A unicorn? No, you naive troglodyte, not a unicorn. Jimmy thought these mythical beasts to be unbearably tedious and boring. For you see a unicorn with a horn is a common occurrence, completely banal. Any fool could purchase for themselves a statue of a unicorn. Jimmy much prefers unique items and what could be more unique than a deformed horse with a horn growing out of its forehead? Perhaps one with a horn growing out of its anal passage, but that is rather indecorous.
In addition to this statue, Jimmy is also the proud owner of an elegant handmade bird cage. Inside this cage resides a robot owl (a robotic Northern Hawk Owl to be precise) with a plush, brown plumage. Jimmy gave this owl of his a name, he christened it Sir Hooty McHoots III. Sir Hooty McHoot III hooted at regular intervals, this caused his neighbours a not inconsiderable amount of discomfort, for his neighbours suffered from a very rare disease which does not have a name yet. The symptoms of this curious illness is that the sufferer of this vile ailment believes very strongly that they are in fact small rodents. Imagine suffering from this queer sickness and having to constantly hear the incessant hooting of a predator which is partial to the odd small rodent, it is enough to drive one mad!
However Jimmy’s most prized possession is probably his copy of the Qur’an, the holy book of the Islam faith. Although our Jimmy is not a pious child (in fact he is atheist, but way before it was cool to be faithless), he loved his copy of the Qur’an because he quite enjoyed the strange odour that the book emits. (Jimmy also thinks that the Qur’an is a riveting read, he has read it 37 times. His favourite story is that of the prophet Moosaa.) In fact Jimmy would start each morning by sniffing page 28 of his copy of the Qur’an. He often says “A life without Qur’an sniffing, is a life not worth living at all.” And you know what boys and girls? I think he is quite right. Of course Jimmy owns other things but to enumerate all of them here would be too tedious, so I shall stop here…he also has in his possession some anal beads.