I am alive and not dead. How lucky. More words from my story.
* * *
In order to earn some money he decided to wait tables at his local restaurant, The Bloody Radish. The Bloody Radish as its name implies is a hip vegetarian restaurant run by hipster chef Sigmund McFlooglepants. His culinary style is irony, as such, all of every single dish on his menu contains meat. His signature dish is lamb chops with mint sauce (the mint sauce is toothpaste). The restaurant is critically acclaimed and has three Dunlop stars (a honour that far surpasses that of piddly little Michelin stars, if Dunlop stars have a mouth and saliva, they would spit on Michelin stars and then the Michelin stars would cry because they are wet blankets). All the sexy, rich and powerful people frequent this establishment. Jimmy figured this might be a good place to find the one who would love him because he had heard that the best way to someone’s heart is through their stomach. But he was wrong the best way is to someone’s heart is through their chest, with a knife or a very sharp spoon.
During Jimmy’s first week of work at the Bloody Radish, Jimmy was captivated and puzzled by one of the Bloody Radish’s female patrons. The lady was very tall and slender, possessing a figure which would not look out of place on the catwalk in Milan, Paris or N’d Jamena. She wore a beige trench coat which just about covered her knobbly knees. Her bright red lipstick contrasted sharply with her porcelain white skin. Jimmy often wondered what colour her eyes were but they were concealed by her large bug-eyed sunglasses. The lady was a regular at The Bloody Radish, she would arrive everyday at 8.23pm, sit herself at table 29, ordering nothing and sitting there until closing time. At around 9.48pm she would take out a shiny, metallic cigarette case and pluck a long, waif cigarette from the case. She would then proceed to smoking it like the movie stars of years gone by. None of the other waiters or waitresses seemed to mind the presence of this odd lady.
Finally one day, a Wednesday, Jimmy plucked up the courage to ask Sigmund why it is that he allows the lady to occupy his premises without ordering anything. Sigmund, being as he is, merely said that he enjoyed those who do things that were against convention, he was fond of people who followed their own rules. In his eyes, by not eating at his restaurant, she was doing the exact opposite of what one is expected to do at a restaurant. Jimmy disagreed, he believes that the opposite of eating is not not eating, rather the opposite of eating is to be eaten. This perverse, though not entirely illogical observation was not warmly welcomed by Sigmund. In fact Jimmy was fired on the spot because he was thinking outside the box. Thinking outside the box had become too mainstream, its popular status bothered Sigmund.
Just as Jimmy was about to leave the swanky premises of The Bloody Radish, the lady waved him over. Slightly confused as to what was going on he pointed to himself and cocked an inquisitive eyebrow at the mysterious lady. She waved him over again whilst letting out a sigh. Jimmy shuffled over to table 29.
“Yes?” he said in a curious tone that was filled with curiosity.
“Well, I would like to order something.” she curtly replied.
“Um…I don’t know how to put this, but I am no longer a waiter at this establishment.” said Jimmy in a meek tone. As those words escaped his mouth he felt a sudden warmness in his cheek. The women giggled to herself mirthfully.
“Oh yes, but of course you are. Look at me, trying to order food from someone who has just been fired. How ironic. But not unexpected from the most ironic restaurant in town. Well what ought to be done now?” she said whilst examining her nails.
“Um…I guess you could ask one of the other waiters or waitresses to take your order.” suggested Jimmy.
“No. I don’t think I would enjoy that much. Please, have a seat.” Just as Jimmy was about to sit down the lady intervened. “No, not sit down. You misunderstood, I meant take a chair and leave with it. I would very much like to see how Sigmund would respond. He is very fond of his chairs.”
“I can’t do that,” said Jimmy proudly, “I can not take that which does not belong to me, to do otherwise would be larceny! I am no thief!”
Although the lady had indirectly caused Jimmy to lose his job, he had decided that he loved her. He has many reasons to be in love with her. The primary one being that she was there. He decided to declare his love for her there and then,for he feared that he may never see her again. The established routine of her sitting at the table without ordering anything had suddenly been broken, the one constant that had grounded the universe for him had changed.
“It seems that falling in love is the only talent I have and I think I might have fallen in love with you.”
“Oh? You have amorous feelings for me? How predictable, however I am afraid I am not attracted to men such as yourself. I only like tall, handsome, smart and rich men. And from what I can see, you are not any of those things. Oh and bad boys. Are you bad? Of course you are not, you won’t even steal a chair from someone who recently made you redundant. You are so good it is bad, a turn off, if you catch my drift.”
“By drift do you mean a current of air that one might expel from their anal cavity?” asked Jimmy innocently. “Because if that is what you mean I did catch it. I did not smell or hear anything.”
“Good heavens, no! I did not pass gas, girls do not ever do that. Ever! You vertically challenged, unsightly, dim witted, penniless worm get away from me! I will never love you, evacuate yourself from my presence at once!” shrieked the lady at a gob-smacked Jimmy. He was definitely all like :O.
By now the whole restaurant was looking at our protagonist and the crazy lady, except one couple who were themselves fighting over the bill. Of those who were fixated on Jimmy’s predicament some were glad that the two of them had created a distraction from a mind numbingly boring evening, others found the whole fiasco to be horribly rude. Just as Jimmy was about to respond to the woman, he realised he had caused a scene. Instead of prolonging the argument, he decided to leave the restaurant. What was there to gain in prolonging the argument? Nothing.
The Humps was parked outside like a car but much more camel like in the parking lot outside the restaurant. He rose to his feet majestically as Jimmy approached and bowed his head which was his and Japan’s way of saying hello.
“Hey, The Humps. I just got fired by a chef who smells like cabbage soup and rejected by a woman who looks very nice.” said Jimmy in a dejected voice. “Will anyone ever love me?”
The Humps nodded and made a camelly and perhaps even caramelly noise. “I am very disappointed that the lady does not love me. I guess I am none of the things she wants in a man. I really do hope that no one else wants those things from their lover because I do not think I could ever live up to those inordinately high expectations. Wait no, now that I ponder upon it. Those requests are not wholly unreasonable. I mean all I would have to do is smash my knees, insert some metal rods and stretch my bones in order to be taller.” Whilst Jimmy was thinking of ways to over come his crippling weaknesses he had jumped on The Humps’ furry lumps of fat and started heading towards the place he calls home. “I guess I am a little ghastly looking but I could remedy that with some plastic surgery. I could graft some skin from my elbow onto my face to hide my ugly face. It is certainly not unfair to say that I am a little dimwitted, after all, all I read is my copy of the Qu’ran. I could certainly stand to read more and familiarise myself with the knowledge that mankind has accrued during their time on this planet. And then get a job or win the lottery. Or better still I could rob a bank, that way I can be a bad boy whilst being rich. I mean now that I think about it, I have actually been naïve in thinking that I will find someone who would love me for who I am! I should remedy these short comings of mine. But enough about me, The Humps, how are your toes? Good I hope because I care a lot about you and your toes.”