Something we can all relate to…

The good thing about having a relatively young blog is that you can pretty much read all your posts in one sitting when you have nothing better to do. When I read those earlier posts of mine I thought, golly whizz I was such a dickwad two months ago. I have noticed that most of my posts can be classified as sanctimonious drivel. Most of the time I blog about some contentious issue and mix it with some humour. It is not a bad formula and it is very enjoyable. Still, I feel that my views might alienate those who see things differently to me. I am the type of person that tries to please everyone. Even people I hate. A very pathetic personality type, but hey that is what I am. So today I wanted to do a post that everyone can enjoy regardless of political affiliation. Something that can appeal to everyone, something we can all relate to. Flamethrowers.

Like emotions, flamethrowers are universal. Unlike emotions, those with emotional deficit disorder still understand what flamethrowers are.

History
You might be surprised to learn that the humble flamethrower was invented by the Ancient Greeks as a weapon of war. Turns out they were good for something I guess. You really can’t help but admire the genius of the person who invented this wonderous machine, it starts fires to things that are far away. It is one of the few weapons from that era which still exists in modern warfare. Melee weapons such as swords, sabres or scimitars have long been phased out at least until laser versions are invented.

Cons
There are none. But in the spirit of fair and balanced blogging I guess I should grudgingly invent some.

Flamethrowers are sophisticated pieces of equipment and it is very important that you do not confuse them with fire extinguishers. Flamethrowers are not very good at combatting fires, that is why you rarely see firefighters wielding flamethrowers. That is not to say that flamethrowers can’t fight fires, they can. They can fight fires by burning all the fuel that a fire needs to sustain itself.

Unlike the Shaolin Spade, the flamethrower is a poor anti-zombie weapon. Zombies do not feel pain, when set on fire, they will continue in the pursuit of brains unabated. What you will be left with will be a flaming zombie chasing your brain (For more great zombie combatting advice please refer to Max Brooks’ magnum opus The Zombie Survival Guide).

Very offensive to snowmen.

Pros
Flamethrowers are great for lighting candles from a distance. This is especially useful for those who are allergic to touching candle wax but really want a romantic/relaxing ambience. Therefore flamethrowers are romantic and relaxing. People like those things.

Unlike the humble water cannon, flamethrowers are especially effective for combatting protestors. The best way to combat protestors is to create a utopian society where its citizens have no grievances but it is much easier to use a flamethrower.

Would the righteous dude still be standing if the stream of water was replaced with a stream of fire?

Flamethrowers are very useful for the conservation of giant sequoias and rejuvenating exhausted farm lands. People often associate fire with destruction but this is a misconception. Fire should instead be readily associated with lush green rainforests and grass.

Flamethrowers do not kill people, per se. During the World Wars, flamethroweres were used to “smoke” the enemy out of their trench, bunker or hiding place. Once the enemy was out in the open they would be shot by vicious guns. Flamethrowers only kill indirectly, they don’t deserve their murderous reputations.

Like Shakira’s hips, flamethrowers are hot and they do not lie.

Conclusion
Flamethrowers are great.

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5 Responses to Something we can all relate to…

  1. daniellery says:

    “The best way to combat protestors is to create a utopian society where its citizens have no grievances but it is much easier to use a flamethrower.” – I love this sentence!

  2. And don’t forget Fireball from The Running Man!

  3. Bravo! Very funny. Love the twisted logic to establish that flame throwers are romantic and relaxing.

  4. Pingback: Something we can all relate to… (via Boring, Banal and not at all Bodacious) | Heroes 'N Pirates

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