I am jealous of pandas and I hate them a lot.
Everyone loves pandas, but why do we love them so much? The reason is because they are nearly extinct. Why are they nearly extinct? It is because they are very picky eaters and very bad at sex. Now maybe I am just being a little judgemental here, but these are not qualities that we like in fellow human beings. Do we like vegetarians? No. As for the bad at sex, okay I guess it is a weak argument. It is only an issue if we were having sex with pandas and I don’t think we are. But their refusal to get it on is a major contributing factor to their perceived diminishing numbers. Oh wait what was that? Their numbers are actually going up? Yeah but you won’t hear pandas telling us about it! Why not? Because they LOVE being extinct! How else can they manipulate us into taking extensive care of them and tending to their mostly bamboo-based needs? By pretending that their numbers are dwindling, that is how, the dicks!
Now, I love Jamie Oliver, no homo. He is advocating a very important message of eating a balanced, healthy and varied diet. Pandas hate Jamie Oliver. Their eating habits are the complete opposite of a balanced, healthy and varied diet. It is almost common knowledge these days that in order to not die of scurvy, one must eat a large variety of foods. Do pandas do that? No! They only eat bamboo even though they have the tools to be carnivorous. I guess it would not be much of a problem if bamboo was nutritious. Oh wait what was that? Bamboo is not completely nutritious and provides very little energy and little protein to pandas because they can not properly digest it? Yeah, pandas can’t even digest the damned plants properly and yet they still choose it as the thing to eat. That would be like me choosing to eat uranium exclusively even though it is not healthy and difficult to digest (I don’t because I am not stupid). They love bamboo so much that they eat it almost exclusively and mould their life around it by limiting their activities to sitting around and eating bamboo, leaving no time for recreating. Coincidence? I think not, the sly bastards.
Picking to rely exclusively on one source of food for sustenance is a very poor survival strategy just ask any Irish person from the early 14th century (the Great Famine). Picking a plant which goes through a process of mass flowering is just borderline retarded. What harm can mass flowering do, it sounds absolutely delightingful. Imagine dancing through a bed of poppcocks, nothing can be nicer. Oh wait what was that? Mass flowering is a process that some plants such as bamboo go through which involves synchronous flowering, death, and regeneration of all plants within a species life cycle mechanism. So imagine being a panda, just sitting around, not having sex, looking for bamboo to eat only to realise that they have all started flowering and withering at the same time. There might be a nice juicy pineapple hanging around but you are not going to eat it because it is not bamboo. So what do you do? You starve to death even though you were surrounded by juicy and sweet pineapples. Disgusting!
Also pandas are shit parents. Like god awful. All the dads just fuck off after knocking mom up, but that is pretty standard in the animal kingdom, so we will cut them a bit of slack. Afterall single mothers can raise kids just as good if not better! Oh wait what was that? Pandas usually give birth to twins but the mother completely neglects one of them because it can only take care of one at a time because of their exetreme incompetence? Not only that but they frequently crush their cubs by falling asleep whilst nursing the cubs or rolling over cubs when they are asleep? Still think pandas are cute? Or maybe more reasonably do you now think they are complete idiots?
Finally and sinisterly, pandas allow themselves to be politcally exploited by a Communist government as a propoganda tool! Does that just not enrage you? Well not me, I do not care about politics, but to the more politically attuned readers this should make you really really angry. No other animal finds itself embroiled in political scandals. I don’t know what your stance is on Taiwan but a pair of pandas named Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan were sent to Taiwan. What cute gobbledegooky Chinese names! Oh wait what was that? Their names mean unification when put together? What a coincidence! Can China’s nefarious and evil intentions not be any more clear? The pandas just play along with this propoganda without any resistance so long as they get their sweet sweet bamboo fix. Anyone who has an interest in subduing China’s military threat (which is everyone) should hate pandas because they are essentially a military threat and a threat to the established world order.
Pandas are jerks. Don’t love them. Love me.