Super Special Awesome Update

Hey! Check it out! I am totally updating my blog. Look at me updating my blog like a proper blogger person. Isn’t it impressive? My updating of this blog with fresh and current news. Did you even see what I did there? Here, I’ll do it again. I am U-P-D-A-T-I-N-G my blog. New content! How exciting. I am just so excited about this update.

By the way, just in case you did not catch it. This is an update. And I am doing it. The updating of this blog that is. Check out that new song on the side, it is good. Almost as good as this update.

But anyway, how are you? Good I hope. I am well. I have been away from my blogging duties for quite some time. The reason is because I am busy in “real life”. I have some big news. I am going to be a father.


I know, I know. Unlikely right? Not immediately though, like today or tomorrow. I meant like in the future, 10 years from now or something. But you know it is best to be prepared. I was never in the boy scouts (I have always wanted to though) but even I know being prepared is very important. It is very important in both war and fatherhood. So I decided to spend some of my time thinking about being a father. Here are some conclusions I reached.

1. Don’t name your son or daughter Luke. I am very immature. I will spend all day and everyday re-enacting that Star Wars scene if I did. You know, the one where Jar Jar Binks goes “Oh look at me! I am a colossal dick.” That would get old quite fast, so I definitely won’t being doing that.

2. Obviously I do not want my child to grow up to be a promiscuous slut, man or otherwise. So during his or her teen years, I am going to embarrass them relentlessly whenever their peers are around. Talking about the wart om their bits and how they have a weird toe or the time they slipped on their own pee when potty training and fell head first into the leg of the dinner table; so as to ensure that no-one would want to be their friend and or fuck them. Because I care for them.

3. And most importantly I think I should definitely live vicariously through them and have them live out the dreams that I could not fulfil. What dreams you may ask. Let me tell you. It was a dark time, the 19th century, for we did not have electric lights. As a young boy I dreamt of the stage. I had hoped that I can be a virile, passionate and above all elegant male ballet danseur. But the bourgeoisie, they looked down on us, they spat on us and they mocked the art that we created. For those wig wearing, servant shagging pissheads male danseurs represented the crude, unrefined and gormless working class. For them ballet was a fluid and graceful endeavour which can only be captured by petite and lithe ballerinas. But I am also a beautiful SWAN. Damn it! My child would be the best damned ballet dancer the world has ever seen!

You know what? I think I am going to be a great father. And blogger. Because my updates. They are good.

Oh yeah I have a job now – so very little time for blogging. Sucks.

This entry was posted in Gender Equality, Homophobia, Random, Tongue-in-cheek and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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