Harry Potter + Funny

Harry Potter! Wow, potty fever (explosive bum gravy)! Everyone loves it right? What with the magic and the wands. Everyone is excited?

In light of the magical festivities I want to share some Harry Potter related fun with you all.

1. Wand Wang Game: You need to have access to the Harry Potter books to play this game. 450 million have been sold, so chances are some of you will have a copy. The game is very easy, everytime you see the word “wand” replace it with “wang”.

e.g.

“Oh move over.” Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry’s wang and tapped the lock and whispered “Alohomora.”

Harry took the wang he felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end of his wang.

I am immature yes, but this really is a great game and I applaud the genius behind it.

2. Photoshop Fun

Have you ever wanted to see Ron's rugged face on Hermione's fine body and vice versa? Well you are in luck, my fucked up friend!

3. Unrelated to Harry Potter and not at all funny…
Yeah this is really what I wanted to tell everyone. I recently wrote some “flash fiction” for another blog. The style is very different to what you see on this blog, so that is interesting for those who want to see me out of my element (which is primarily comedy). The blog, fictionandfoibles, is very good. They marry wonderful sketches with intriguing short stories.

Check Fiction and Foibles Out Now!!!

Posted in English, Langauge, Musing, Random, Story | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Something we can all relate to…

The good thing about having a relatively young blog is that you can pretty much read all your posts in one sitting when you have nothing better to do. When I read those earlier posts of mine I thought, golly whizz I was such a dickwad two months ago. I have noticed that most of my posts can be classified as sanctimonious drivel. Most of the time I blog about some contentious issue and mix it with some humour. It is not a bad formula and it is very enjoyable. Still, I feel that my views might alienate those who see things differently to me. I am the type of person that tries to please everyone. Even people I hate. A very pathetic personality type, but hey that is what I am. So today I wanted to do a post that everyone can enjoy regardless of political affiliation. Something that can appeal to everyone, something we can all relate to. Flamethrowers.

Like emotions, flamethrowers are universal. Unlike emotions, those with emotional deficit disorder still understand what flamethrowers are.

History
You might be surprised to learn that the humble flamethrower was invented by the Ancient Greeks as a weapon of war. Turns out they were good for something I guess. You really can’t help but admire the genius of the person who invented this wonderous machine, it starts fires to things that are far away. It is one of the few weapons from that era which still exists in modern warfare. Melee weapons such as swords, sabres or scimitars have long been phased out at least until laser versions are invented.

Cons
There are none. But in the spirit of fair and balanced blogging I guess I should grudgingly invent some.

Flamethrowers are sophisticated pieces of equipment and it is very important that you do not confuse them with fire extinguishers. Flamethrowers are not very good at combatting fires, that is why you rarely see firefighters wielding flamethrowers. That is not to say that flamethrowers can’t fight fires, they can. They can fight fires by burning all the fuel that a fire needs to sustain itself.

Unlike the Shaolin Spade, the flamethrower is a poor anti-zombie weapon. Zombies do not feel pain, when set on fire, they will continue in the pursuit of brains unabated. What you will be left with will be a flaming zombie chasing your brain (For more great zombie combatting advice please refer to Max Brooks’ magnum opus The Zombie Survival Guide).

Very offensive to snowmen.

Pros
Flamethrowers are great for lighting candles from a distance. This is especially useful for those who are allergic to touching candle wax but really want a romantic/relaxing ambience. Therefore flamethrowers are romantic and relaxing. People like those things.

Unlike the humble water cannon, flamethrowers are especially effective for combatting protestors. The best way to combat protestors is to create a utopian society where its citizens have no grievances but it is much easier to use a flamethrower.

Would the righteous dude still be standing if the stream of water was replaced with a stream of fire?

Flamethrowers are very useful for the conservation of giant sequoias and rejuvenating exhausted farm lands. People often associate fire with destruction but this is a misconception. Fire should instead be readily associated with lush green rainforests and grass.

Flamethrowers do not kill people, per se. During the World Wars, flamethroweres were used to “smoke” the enemy out of their trench, bunker or hiding place. Once the enemy was out in the open they would be shot by vicious guns. Flamethrowers only kill indirectly, they don’t deserve their murderous reputations.

Like Shakira’s hips, flamethrowers are hot and they do not lie.

Conclusion
Flamethrowers are great.

Posted in Musing, Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Feminism is horse manure!

Don't marry him, it will only doom you to a life of unhappiness.

I wanted to do a post on how a study showed that attractive women have better marriages if they married men who were less attractive than them. I wanted to do such a post because I am ogre-like. Actually not ogre-like, I am not that type of ugly…I am the unattractive nerd-like type of ugly (not to be confused with geek-chique which was all the rage couple seasons ago). The type you see and assume is very good at math, science and not being with women (ironically I suck at mathematics). I was going to say all these funny things about how I would be a great and thorough lover and then cry myself to sleep whilst hugging myself or something to that pathetic effect. Then I was all like: “NO.” Instead I will talk about feminism and why I dislike it.

The idea behind feminism is noble and it is something which I would heartily support. For example, I was very glad to hear that women’s rights activists in Saudi Arabia decided to protest the female driving ban by erm…driving. Sure they were arrested for their perceived insolence, but thankfully they have been released. Hearing news like this depresses me because such laws exists but it also pleases me that women decided that these laws were balls and decided to openly break them. I love the idea of gender equality because I understand what it feels like to be discriminated against (It is true! I grew up as a filthy, dirty, stinking ethnic minority, I was the child of immigrant parents), I understand that insidious invisible discrimination exists and I know that it can be damaging and demoralising.

So what is it about feminism that I dislike the most? It is the insistence of certain feminists that language become gender neutral. Why does this annoy me? Because hypocrisy. Feminists are angry because certain words in the English language carry male connontations, these gender biased terms implies that males are superior. I would buy that argument if they changed the name of their movement to something other than FEMINISM! Practice what you preach at the very least. The name of the feminist movement implies that all men are chauvinists. It alienates men who actually support gender equality. I understand that this is a small, petty concern. But I am a small, petty man who hates inconsistency. A. It is confusing, secondly it is plain lazy.

Goodness and wisdom leaks out of each and every one of our orifices!

While we are at it affirmative action also rubs me the wrong way. I guess the theory is nice. Where two IDENTICAL candidates of opposite gender are applying for a job, the less represented gender must get the job. Fighting discrimination with discrimination. Law makers obviously never played pokémon when growing up. When two pokémon of the same type attack one another with the same attack type “It’s not very effective…” (except dragon type, I know but still it was a great flawed metaphor). There is a lot of wisdom in pokémon. How does focusing on gender when we ought to ignore gender solve the problem of gender discrimination? If anything it is sending a bad message. When you can’t tell which candidate is better, discriminate, because discrimination is the ultimate solution to gender discrimination. You don’t need a phd in logic to know that does not work. How should we solve this conundrum where it does arise? Ho! I may be a bit whiny but I also like to offer solutions. Fargle for the job or toss an unbiased coin.

Posted in Gender Equality, Musing, Random, Tongue-in-cheek | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Jimmy’s Quest – Part V

Here we go. Part V! So many parts so little time. A short synopsis of the preceding parts can be found in the Jimmy’s Quest page located above.

*   *   *

Jimmy woke up the next morning feeling delightfully refreshed from a good night’s sleep. As is often the case, Jimmy was very moved by the dreams that he had dreamt the night before. He was especially fond of relaying his dreams to friends because they are relevant and interesting topic of conversation. Like most people, Jimmy maintained a dream diary. He believes that dreams are a window into the mind of the dreamer. For Jimmy, his goal in life was to know himself and to find the one who will love him. Just as Jimmy was about to commit his dream to paper, his knocker began to knock. Jimmy was very surprised to find that someone was visiting him so early in the morning. Unlike most people, Jimmy was more than happy to receive guests in the morning, for him there is no struggle to look presentable because he sleeps in a suit. (He does suffer from horrid morning halitosis though).

Not Rance Mok

Jimmy opened the door to find a toned and well-tanned lady smiling at him. Her eyes twinkled brightly almost blinding those who dare to look at them with unbridled positive energy (please note she is not Cyclops or Superman). She was dressed in what can only be described as Indiana Jones-y attire because she was wearing a hat.

“Good morning, you are Jimmy, is that correct?” chirped the lady girl in a cheerful tone. “The registered owner of a camel called Lumps “The Humps” O’Flynn?”

“I am and you are?”

“I am Rance, Rance Mok. I am a professional seeker.” Declared Rance proudly. “I look for important things that people have lost. My current employer has hired me to find her long-lost brother. May I come in?”

“Sure, please come in and have a seat. Do you want anything to drink?” Asked Jimmy while gesturing her toward his armchair.

“Yes please, may I have a glass of pomegranate juice?” said Rance as she plopped her rucksack next to the armchair, absorbing the various sights of Jimmy’s room. She was especially fixated upon Sir Hooty McHoots III, so fixated was she that she failed to notice that Jimmy had returned from the kitchen with two glasses of chilled pomegranate juice until he said. “So, how can I help you Rance?”

She immediately turned to face Jimmy, “Oh, thank you.” Said Rance beaming brightly. “Jimmy, can I tell you a story? A tale of petty hatred, black magic and sibling love.”

“Please, go ahead. I am very fond of stories.”

“Alright, here goes.”

***

Tataouine: A real place

Once upon a time in a galaxy close, close to here lived a pair of unidentical twins named Elia and Kuel in the desert city of Tataouine. Unfortunately for these two children their father passed away when they were both very young leaving them to the care of their evil stepmother Vedra. Like all stepmothers, Vedra despised her stepchildren with a passion. The two children often went hungry until one day they decided to escape from her vexatious care. Unbeknownst to the two children, their stepmother was a witch who wielded a dark force. Although she was happy that the twins were gone she still obsessed over their wellbeing, spying on them regularly with googlemaps earthview. Once she found them, she casted a potent spell over all oases in the surrounding region so that anyone foolhardy enough to drink from them would transmogrify into a wild animal.

Kuel was very thirsty and very tempted to drink from the oasis. It was when he was about to drink from it that Elia received a tweet from a nearby vulture. “dont drink h2o vedra cursed it if drink turn 2 lion lulz” Elia stopped Kuel from drinking the water, fearing that if he turned into a lion, he might rip her to shreds. Kuel agreed unwillingly, but insisted that he must drink at the next oasis. Soon afterwards the twins came across another oasis. Just as Kuel was about to drink from this second oasis, the same vulture tweeted “this watr iz cursed 2 turn in2 snow leopard!” Elia once again prevented Kuel from drinking the water asserting that he would melt if he were to turn into a snow leopard. Kuel did not want to die young and leave a watery corpse; he wanted to die old leaving a wrinkled corpse. The siblings came across a third oasis. Kuel could not control his insatiable god thirst; he did not care whether the water was cursed with magic or cholera. He immediately ran to the body of water, drinking heartily from it, savouring each drop. As the mouthfuls of water passed his lips, his shape took that of a camel. Elia was very pleased that Huel transformed into a camel, no more long walks for me she thought to herself. But before she could mount her brother, he dashed away. Elia was heartbroken and distraught that her brother had left her. She wept day and night.

Several minutes later the local king heard her crying, he ventured into the oasis to examine the source of the noise. When he found Elia, he was struck by her beauty and immediately asked for her hand in marriage. She agreed, but the marriage brought her no joy. No, she remained glum in her palace. The king could not bear to see his wife so sad, so he decided to execute her. His aides advised him to find out the reason for their queen’s sadness instead. The king heeded their advice and found out that Elia was sad because her brother was away from her. He vowed to find Kuel for her and decreed that whomever finds him will be granted an unlimited supply of honey.

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I am such a horrible HOMOPHOBE!

Damn you straight peoples! Stop making GAYBIES!

By now, readers of this blog know that the blogger of this blog is a big, smelly racist. He has vented angrily his displeasure of filthy, stinking ethnic minorities on several occasions, spreading his vile and detestable brand of intolerant hate speech. Yes he is quite the bastard. It is important to note that he does not reserve his discriminating hate for filthy, stinking minorities. He is also a reverse fan of filthy, stinking homosexuals regardless of their ethnicity. As a big smelly homophobe, he is obviously very disturbed by New York’s recent legalisation of same sex marriages. He is of the belief that the state is setting a very dangerous precendent. Let’s spend the next moments examining his reasons for adopting such a stance.

First of all no one is thinking of the children. The embrace of these gay values is obviously deleterious to the welfare of our impressionable children. Children are the future. Legalising gay marriages is the first step towards turning all of our children into gays. I imagine that the recognition of gay marriages can only serve to further increase the rate of gay adoption, putting these already helpless children (who no-one else wants to help) into further jeopardy. The child if adopted will obviously be taunted at school and ostracised (Two daddies! Two daddies!) by other children who were taught to respect their fellow man properly by their tolerant and well-adjusted heterosexual parents. I mean heterosexual parents are the only ones who can raise children in the correct manner. Who has ever heard of criminals, drug addicts or god forbid it homosexuals that were raised by heterosexual parents? Only heterosexual people can raise law abiding, contributive, well-adjusted children. Homosexual kids raised by heterosexual people are just statistical anomalies that must be ignored because they do not support my argument.

Secondly, no-one is thinking of the societal impact that gay marriages will have on our…society. Are there any societies where homosexuality was open and tolerated? Yes, the ancient Greeks. They died out because they were gay and AIDS. Nothing good can come from the acceptance of homosexuality. Can you name one good thing that originated from ancient Greece? Classical literature which has been consistently studied, admired and inspired for centuries (balls to the Iliad, Twilight is better and more relevant). Philosophy which formed the foundation for all Western cultural and political identity (bullshit, MTV had more of an impact on our generation than anything else – what with grand shows like My Super Sweet 16, Jackass and Jersey Shore). The ancient Greeks had nothing going for them. Anyone who elects to think otherwise is a misguided fool blinded by idealism and romanticism of an ancient era.

The epitome of natural order, humans flying into space.

Leaving the religious considerations (which are similarly well reasoned and numerous) aside, homosexuality is unnatural. This I feel is the most infalliable argument against homosexuality because we humans as a species have always had a great respect for the natural order of the world. Always, without fail. Being natural has always on the forefront of our agenda. Everything is natural about us. The synthetic materials we use for everything, our desire to change our appearance with cosmetics and cosmetic surgery, our growing dependence and fascination with artificial intelligence and robotics. All of these natural, unlike god damned (and science damned for our athiests) homosexuality.

Yes, gays are horrible. They are an incorrigible, cancerous plague on society. They are the face of evil. Everything that is wrong and evil about our world probably has roots in homosexuality. New York has doomed itself to a moral decline. I urge, pray and hope that their legislative body will come to their senses and reverse their abhorrent and repugnant decision in the near future.

Posted in Homophobia, Musing, Nature, Random, Tongue-in-cheek | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Naïve Animals

The OED has recently announced that they will remove the words naïve and gullible from the dictionary. What a terrible joke. I would not at all be surprised if you were to click away in disgust. However the lame introduction disguises a very insightful post. Don’t believe me? Read on.

We have all heard about the plight of the dodo, the bird made famous by Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. The dodo was a flightless bird native to the Mauritius island. It fed primarily on fruits and nested on ground. They had no reason to fly or to climb trees for they had no natural predators. Fear as a concept, as a way of life, as an instinct simply did not exist for this creature. That was why early explorers found it so ridiculously easy to kill these birds, they simply did not view humans as threats at all even though we were wielding muskets and swords and spoons. The ultimate irony though was that early explorers did not even like the taste of dodos (unlike the frustratingly delicious Galápagos tortoise), they were foul-tasting creatures which were hunted for no apparent reason other than they were very easy to kill.

This story is not unique to the dodo, countless other animals have met the same grisly end as the dodo. I guess I could rattle on about the destructive nature or capabilities of man and lament our feckless attitude towards nature but I won’t. What I find very interesting about this story is that there existed on earth a utopia where fear did not exist. The dodo did not need to fear for its life before the arrival of human explorers. I imagine what happened was that the ancestors of the dodo flew from some neighbouring islands onto the Mauritius and settled there due to the abundance of fruit and lack of predators. As decades or centuries went by the birds lost the need for flight because no one was chasing them. With that they began to lay eggs on the ground because no animal would eat them. They lived in an isolated bubble where they had nothing to fear. In an age where scare mongering is all around us I can’t help but smile and enjoy the idea of a paradise where fear does not exist.

Sure if we were to be pragmatic fear is a very useful mechanism for survival. It is fear that prevents me from poking feral lions with sticks (along with the logistical barrier of me being in Asia).  The cynic amongst us may say that if the dodo possessed a small dose of fear, they may be hanging around in the wild, in our zoos and not just in museums as stuffed animals. These concerns still do not take away the beauty of a place where fear does not need to exist. It is very tragic that so many of us live our days gripped in fear – we are afraid of the food that we eat, we are constantly afraid of the economy (I can’t for my life remember a single piece of good news about the global economy since forever, do they ever report good news?) and we are afraid of spiders. Why and what for? Fear is an unpleasant feeling. Why are we maintaining this unpleasant feeling indefinitely for something that may or may not happen? It seems like a Sisyphean task, you can’t beat fear. You can’t escape from it until the thing you are afraid of happens to you. And then what? More fear? Fear that it will happen again?

So what was the point of the above? I don’t know. How to conclude? I do know. I started this post with a bad joke, I think it would be quite fitting if I end with another. So, what is the point of rhetorical questions?

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Jimmy’s Quest – Part IV

Part 4 is finally here. But where is part 1-3? Check out the Jimmy’s Quest page above. ^

*    *    *

There are bumfit sheep here, I think.

Jimmy was finding it very difficult to fall asleep (because he is an insomniac. Pay attention!). He tried counting sheep but it did not work as he was using the Yan Tan Tethera sheep counting system instead of the usual numerical system. Unlike the numerical system, the Yan Tan Tethera counting system only went up to jiggit. He was still asleep even though he had counted to jiggit. Jimmy tossed and turned to no avail, his struggle for 40 winks or maybe even 80 winks was causing him a considerable amount of discomfort. Jimmy was beginning to think that he was Australian for it was day time in Australia when Jimmy was trying to sleep. Jimmy decided that a short leisurely perambulate and some fresh air might lull him into a deep sleep.

Jimmy left his room, taking great care not to wake Sir Hooty McHoot III or Lumps “The Humps” O’Flynn from their power charge and slumber respectively. Jimmy took a nice deep breath of fresh night air as he vacated himself from his room, this however served only to wake him up more. Jimmy was beginning to hope that maybe this stroll will allow the Norns or probability to bring the one who loves him to him. Unfortunately the three sisters of fate and mathematics were not so kind on this occasion, they instead delivered to Jimmy an impossibly good looking spectacled Asian man who was yawning and scratching his tender pale skin. The man was very well dressed save for the glass shaped bulge in his pants.

“Stop!” cried the Asian man in a strange accent. His English was good, but it was very difficult to tell for sure where this person learnt his English. “I have some very important information for you, Jimmy, information that will change your life forever.” Jimmy was surprised that the strange man knew his name, he was about to ask the man how he knew this when the man interrupted his train of thought and said “I know many things about you Jimmy for I am God, also you are wearing a name tag.”

“God?” gasped Jimmy in disbelief. “That really is quite blasphemous of you. Wait…did I inadvertently do some drugs or maybe I am already asleep and this is a dream or nightmare.”

“Speaking as God of your universe I am not offended at all by asserting that I am God. Your scepticism is not unwarranted. Here, let me conjure some gale force winds to prove to you my god credentials.”

“You can do th…” began Jimmy incredulously, “um…can you stop blowing me?”

“Blowing on you, there is a whole world of difference.” cried the mystical character in an officious tone. “I can see that you are still not convinced. What else can I do to prove my powers? I know. I shall reverse time.” The man snapped his fingers and shouted “time wizardry” in a deep tone. “It is now yesterday in France and much of continental Europe.”

“Are you not just exploiting different time zones in order to confuse me into thinking that is yesterday? I must say, I am quite disappointed.” quizzed Jimmy in a querulous tone.

“Please do not take that tone with me, I am God. Also don’t say I must say, I am disappointed. Just say you are disappointed. The I must say just makes you wearisomely verbose. In any case, I shall perform the ultimate god party trick; I shall turn water into wine!” As the self-proclaimed deity finished his sentence he gingerly whipped out a cup of water from his pants, spilling some of the contents on his left leg. “Boy am I glad I did not change it into wine yet. Red wine stains are frustratingly difficult to get rid of and dry cleaning is just so expensive.”

“I know what you mean.” said Jimmy whilst nodding in verbal agreement. “Have you tried Jean Baptiste Jolly Dry cleaners? They have very reasonable prices. But I find that soaking the stain in warm water immediately and then dabbing the stained area with a hydrogen peroxide and water solution. This works well for white clothing.”

“Oh really? I must try it sometime. But back to my miracle. Please turn around and close your eyes. Don’t turn around until I say so.” ordered the man in a slightly authoritative tone. Jimmy obeyed dutifully. It was then that he heard a short zipping noise and a steady stream of water followed by some dripping noise. “Turn around, Jimmy. I have completed the miracle.”

Smells very un-ammonia-y

“Wow,” cried Jimmy as he saw that the glass had been replaced with a pale yellow wine like liquid. “A bona fide miracle indeed! May I please have a sip? I am finding it difficult to get some sleep, maybe I can get some rest if I were slightly inebriated.”

Just as Jimmy was about to reach for the glass of wine, the man jerked the glass away from Jimmy. “No, you cannot have any of this sweet nectar of Dionysus. I have an insatiable god thirst right now. All mine”. And with that he started chugging the contents of the glass with a grimace on his face. “Yum…chardonnay-y.” Jimmy was quite disappointed not to have sampled the wine, but it was then that he noticed that the man’s fly was undone.

“I beg your pardon your Holiness, but your crotch zipper is undone.”

“Oh, yes I knew that. I had it undone for ventilation purposes. My crotch zone. It is very hot. Seeing as you now believe that I am God, I have some very important information for you. You are going to meet a very lonely person very soon.”

“Is it Akon?” interjected Jimmy, “I hear he is very lonely, all on his own.”

“Nope…”

“Kim Jong-il? He is so lonely.”

“No not him neither, he is not lonely, he is mad. Please don’t interrupt. You will meet a very lonely person soon and you will lose something dear to you in the near future. However with loss comes the opportunity to find that which you seek.” And with that the man disappeared into the bushes.

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